Wednesday, February 13, 2013

5 Reasons Not to Feel Sad this Valentine's Day


I know it's tough. They might say "every kiss begins with Kay", but I'll raise that by saying "every crying fit begins with a sticky sweet Valentine's Day commercial."

I don't want you to cry, even though we all know horse hair absorbs tears really well! Here are 5 reasons not to feel sad this Valentine's Day:

1) The sadness you're feeling coincides nicely with the height of Seasonal Depression, um, season. The lack of sunlight and thawed fingers and green grass is bringing you down. Take plenty of Vitamin D to make yourself feel better. Studies show most of us are deficient.

2) Romance doesn't belong to this time of the year, anyway. Everone knows that spring and summer are when our hearts skip a beat at the sight of shirtless guys jogging, ice cream cones are shared, and skinny-dipping is a possibility rather than a polar bear plunge for charity. I don't even need to go into how romantic fall is. February? Please.

3) We already PASSED the night of the year when hearts pine for a kiss: New Year's Eve. If you were sad then, you DID your time already. Let yourself off the hook for Valentine's Day.

4) Someday you, yes YOU, will have your one and only and you'll be together forever. Do you know how long forever is? Long enough to have someone annoy the ever-living daylights out of you just by breathing. So settle in, enjoy having the remote to yourself, and don't worry about having to share your Valentine's Day comfort food. You ARE having some, right?

5) My new book, Saddle Rants, is coming out this spring. Though mostly horsey, it will contain some (hopefully) wise bits of knowledge about liking, loving, heartbreakin', and heart repairin'. In the meantime, check out my book How to Catch a Horse just 99 cents on Amazon. Downloadable onto your Kindle. I may not have perfected catching guys, but I know a little about catching horses.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Shit People Say


Here's my "shit people say to horse owners/riders", with a few handy replies!

"I rode a horse once, but it bucked me" ...It did what, exactly? Bucked while you were on it? Bucked and unloaded you? Can you be more specific? You know what, actually, don't - because the phrase "bucked me" gives me the creeps.

"I rode once, but my horse was really stupid" Oh, so you mean it ignored your clumsy cues and elected to eat grass instead. Sounds smart to me.

"Horses are really expensive...*uncomfortable pause*" I know, if I didn't unload all my disposable income on horses I'd have so much more money for a new Smartphone. Care to hook me up?

"I'll have to stop out and ride sometime" Yes, you will! I always prep for my ride by de-cobwebbing the barn and medicating the barn cats. Later we can check the live traps and see if that skunk has still been hanging around.

"Nice pants" (from some rando at the gas station) Thanks! They're deerskin fullseats, my favorite. They're a little spendy but so worth it. Wanna buy my next pair?

If they actually show up to ride, have them catch your horse for you. That should keep them busy all day. Just don't give them a copy of my book. It's a handy guide to catching horses that don't want to be caught. More details below!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Trick or Treat


The sun was setting. It was just dark enough that I couldn't see who was coming or going, but it seemed that everyone could see me. I was making laps in the pasture amongst the grazing horses. I had been at it for at least half an hour. The wind rustled through dry leaves as I continued pacing. My target kept evading me. The embarrassment warmed my face despite the crisp October breeze.

 I couldn't catch my horse.

Who was this impostor in a horse costume? He was supposed to be my best friend. I was spending my time walking, not riding. I had had a plan to go for a nice trail ride. I was supposed to be on his back. We were supposed to be a team.

I looked down at my boots and sighed. Why dress up for riding, when I couldn't even touch him? This was supposed to be my getaway, my escape from daily life. I felt rejected and furious. I had a treat for him and all he had was tricks.

How to catch the horse that didn't want to be caught? This didn't come up in my riding lessons or horse magazines, not in detail, anyway. "Walk him down," they said. Well, I was walking, and I was down. It had been almost an hour. 

He was hardly running out of energy. He stopped now and then to grab a bite of food, but still trotted away from me.  I finally got in my car and left.

The knowledge I later stumbled upon taught me how to finally catch him. It also inspired me to write the book How to Catch a Horse. Click on it to read a special preview.